The Pumpkin Challenge!

    This blog typically focuses on parenting or Q-ball, but one of the principles of Attachment Parenting is "strive for balance", so I thought I'd talk about one way that I meet some of my own needs for this post. To help celebrate this season and honor my husband's love of pumpkin, I decided to embark on a "pumpkin challenge" for the months of October and November. Each week I am making at least one new recipe that includes pumpkin. I love trying new recipes and exploring food blogs, so I've had a blast!
  A few real-life friends and even a blogging friend have asked me to share what I have made so far. It should be noted that while I love to cook, I cannot claim to have created many stellar recipes on my own, so these are pretty much all links to some of my favorite food blogs. But, in our household we typically avoid dairy, gluten, and sugar. And, I don't eat meat.  So, some alterations are necessary, and I've added my notes to the side. But, we also have a sweet tooth that we satisfy about twice as week...Enjoy!

• Pumpkin Chai Latte- Forget Starbucks! Make this easy treat at home- it's even better if you make fresh whipped cream for topping!
• Baked Pumpkin Penne- Here, I used quinoa pasta for a less-gluten and higher protein version. I used almond milk, reduced the amount of cheese, and doubled the leeks.  It honestly wasn't my favorite, but Daddy and Q-ball loved it.
• Butternut Squash Pizza with Pumpkin Crust- I loved the creativity of this recipe! We just ate gluten this night.  I halved the amount of cheese and doubled the amount of brussel sprouts.  But, I love saucy pizza, and I think this needed more sauce. Next time I'd use a whole butternut squash- it was delicious with the sage!
• Veggie Enchiladas with Pumpkin Sauce- I loved this recipe!
• Pumpkin Cream Pie Oat Bran - I actually found this recipe in the cookbook Peas and Thank You and super loved it.  I didn't write it down before returning the book to the library, but this blog does the best job of explaining it.  The secret step she mentions it putting everything in the blender to make it really creamy.  Because of this step, I just used rolled oats instead of oat bran.  But, this blogger is right, you should check out this cookbook!
• Baked Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal - I used almond milk. 
• Chocolate Chip Pumpkin bread- just a standard recipe for one of my cookbooks
• Pumpkin oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies- A recipe I made for a bake sale and saved from a previous cookie swap
• Pumpkin Muffins- Our favorite version of this classic.  I use whole wheat flour and reduce the amount of sugar and oil.
• Boston "Scream" Pie- I've made this recipe for four Halloweens now.  It's delicious and pretty!  Wonderful for a party.  But, not at all healthy...

Q-ball painted her pumpkin while Daddy did the carving.

Who are you looking at???

Here's what's coming up:

• Peanut Butter Pumpkin Granola- I can't imagine this could go wrong.
• White Bean Pumpkin Dip- I love dips! (I've actually been working on a post about dips and toddler nutrition for about two months now...)
• Some sort of pumpkin soup. Maybe this one?

What are your favorite pumpkin recipes?  I'd really love to hear!!

How to Conduct Basic Research and My Response to the TIME Magazine Uproar

   As an attachment parent, I have naturally been asked by a few people what I think of the TIME magazine article and cover.  Upfront confession: I haven't read the actual cover story as I do not have a subscription to TIME and have not purchased the magazine.  But, I have read the accompanying articles and watched, read, and listened to the response that has been caused by the magazine.  It is my understanding that the article is primarily a bio of Dr. Sears that coincides with the anniversary of the release of their The Baby Book.  And, if that is not totally accurate, that is okay because I mainly want to address the media's response to the issue in this post.

How could you not answer her cries?

   But, first, because I've been asked and it's the primary instigator of all of this, my thoughts on the cover. I believe that breastfeeding a three-year-old is normal as long as both mother and child are still comfortable with the arrangement.  As for breastfeeding while a child is standing on a chair?  Probably not very comfortable for either party.  This was obviously a photo to grab headlines.  The United States and some other Western countries are certainly the minority when it comes to our breastfeeding timelines- most children breastfeed for three to five years.  Overall, however, I am a proponent of breastfeeding in public, and I think that exposing the public to these images is a good thing in a move to normalize what is, frankly, totally normal.

    I have largely been disappointed with the media's response and coverage of attachment parenting as a result of this cover story, or, more accurately, cover picture.  Overall, they have portrayed an extremely narrow and, at times, inaccurate view of attachment parenting.  I will primarily focus on the following news reports: this CNN discussion, this NPR report through Here and Now, and this CNN interview.

  Now, how this is a Science Friday: it seems to me that the hosts and/or panelists of these shows did not do even the most basic research into attachment parenting.  Obviously, part of their job is to ask challenging questions, but I do not believe that these questions should ignore basic information regarding the topic at hand.  So, here is a step-by-step guide to conduct basic research.  I can only imagine how short these hosts are on time, so it's important to note that the following steps took me less than 2 minutes. 

1. Go to www.google.com.
2. In search box, type keywords about the subject.  For this example, I used "attachment parenting."
3. Select a reliable source from the results.  While not all may agree, Wikipedia has largely been deemed a reliably source, especially for a brief overview, so I clicked on Wikipedia's article on attachment parenting for this experiment.   
4. Skim article looking for more specific key words that support your research.  Based upon the questions asked in the interviews I linked above, I skimmed for the following words: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, discipline, stay-at-home-mom, and childcare.

Using these simple four steps, I was able to uncover the following inaccuracies in the reports:

1. The principles of API do not included "extended breastfeeding" or "co-sleeping."  Instead, they state, "feed with love and respect" and "ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally."
2. Parents do not have to "strictly follow" any or all of the principles of attachment parenting.  
3. Attachment parents do practice discipline.  It's called "positive discipline."

Assuming the interviewers had 5 minutes to prepare for their interviews, they could have explored Dr. Sears's own site (a novel idea! especially as he was one of the interviewees!) and uncovered even more inaccuracies:

1. Attached or "connected" children are typically more likely to be independent than their "unconnected" peers. 
2. Meeting a child's demands means meeting their needs- not their every wants.  Attachment parents do set limits and do not let their children rule the household.
3. You can be a working mom and practice attachment parenting.
4. Research on attachment has been conducted in the United States.  In fact, I've discussed it many times on this blog!  For a review, check out an overview of Mary Ainsworth here.

   While this Science Friday was slightly more cynical than my previous, I was disappointed with these responses, especially the attacks on the "lack of discipline" within attachment parenting and the idea that attachment parenting leads to helicopter parenting.  My husband and I decided to follow attachment parenting largely because of the ideas behind positive discipline (and, more specifically, unconditional parenting, although, like extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping, not all AP parents follow UP) and the fact that research shows these practices will make children MORE independent.  Next week I will discuss some of the ways we are practicing positive discipline at home in order to help foster Q-ball's independence. 

Below are links to responses to the TIME article with which I agree:

Dr. Sears Response

Mayim Bialik's response on CNN

The Floor Bed: Merging AP and Montessorian Principles

The Situation:

       We needed a new sleep situation.  While I absolutely believe that it is perfectly normal for babies to wake multiple times throughout the night, especially in the first months of life, when this lasts for nearly 13 months, it is exhausting and can lead to Mama-meltdowns.  Q-ball “slept through the night” (actually defined as sleeping for 5 consecutive hours) for about 2 blissful weeks when she was four months-old.  Since that time, we have experienced nightly wakings ranging from 40 minutes to 3 hours.  Most nights she wakes up about every hour or two with an occasional 3 hour stint (which most commonly occurs from 7pm-10pm, so do not believe that Mama actually got three hours of sleep.) She typically nurses back to sleep in our rocking chair, but will increasingly go back to sleep with me rubbing her back while resting in her crib.  Most recently, she has enjoyed keeping Mama awake for 2-3 hours straight in the wee hours of the morning with no identifiable cause and waking up every 10-15 minutes for an hour or so.  These nights lead to a very cranky family the next day.  So, we needed a new sleep situation.

          Within our household, we largely abide by two guiding philosophies of raising Q-ball: attachment parenting and Montessorian, adding our own twists here and there.  By and large, I believe that these philosophies work hand and hand.  But, there are two major issues in which they diverge: sleeping and eating.  Here, I will compare their standpoints on sleeping, and how we are attempting to merge the two within our household.

Attachment Parenting

       Attachment parenting encourages parents to “Engage in Nighttime Parenting.”  While this is often interpreted as bed-sharing, it actually involves the broader definition of co-sleeping (using Dr. James McKenna’s definition of “sleeping within sensory range”.)  While I will not go into all of the how-to’s and justifications of co-sleeping and engaging in nighttime parenting, in general, I will say that we choose to follow this practice as we believe it recognizes an infant and young child’s developmentally appropriate capabilities to fall asleep and stay asleep while fostering the mother-baby breastfeeding relationship.  Furthermore, this is how we believe we can best provide consistent love and support for our daughter.  “Cry-it-out” and other sleep training methods are not options for us with these ideas in mind.

      In keeping with the AP philosophy and, more importantly, our own beliefs on parenting, we co-slept with Q-ball until she was 4 months-old.  At that time, we moved her to a crib in her room.  I have continued to immediately respond to all of her cries or, more likely, calls which I can hear through the walls or on the baby monitor. I half-heartedly attempted the No-Cry Sleep Solution, but, frankly, I don’t have the emotional stamina or patience.  We have also tried bed-sharing, but when Q-ball sees Daddy, she thinks playtime, so this method simply did not work for us.  So, what else could we try?

Dr. Montessori’s Philosophy

        Dr. Montessori’s philosophy encourages parents to provide babies with a floor bed or a futon in lieu of the traditional crib.  A floor bed helps foster some of the key principles of Montessori's philosophy: participation in family life and independence.  Because the baby is free to move from the bed at will, the floor bed respects the baby's desires and decisions.  The bed is typically placed in the child's room- a move away from the AP approach to sleeping.  I have been interested in this idea, but when I really dig into many of the examples I find on the various blogs and Montessori websites, it seems the parents employ the CIO method to teach their child to move to their floor bed to go to sleep.  

Our New Situation:

      In an attempt to merge these two ideas, Daddy packed up Q-ball’s crib and put her crib mattress on the floor.  Instant floor bed.  Because the mattress is high (about 8 inches) we have placed pillows around the bed until Q-ball learns to control her nightly flips and turns. How's it working?  We love it!  No injuries, and I believe we are upholding all of our parenting philosophies and values- even more so than we the crib!

     We are still engaging in nighttime parenting because I still put Q-ball to sleep every night.  Sometimes she nurses to sleep, but occasionally, I place her down on the mattress while she is drowsy and rub her back until she is asleep. I still respond instantly to her calls during the night.  Additionally, on nights when she is pulling an all-niter, I have slept on my own floor bed (a sleeping mat for camping) next to her mattress for an hour or two. I then leave the room, and she sleeps much better for the rest of the night.  This is an option that was not available with the crib, and it is making life better for everyone (especially Daddy who bore the brunt of the cranky family!)

    Q-ball is clearly excited about the independence that the floor bed fosters.  She clearly gets excited as she climbs on and off of it during the day.  We also bought her a small pillow with which to experiment, and she is clearly tickled about it- although she does not use it during the night. When she wakes for the day or after naps, she occasionally, but not always, climbs off her bed to explore the room.  I imagine these occurrences will increase as time goes on and she grows increasingly confident.

Sources:

Nicholson, B. & Parker, L. (2009). Attached at the heart: Eight proven parenting principles for raising connected and compassionate children. Bloomington, IN: iUniverse. 

Olaf, M. (2010). Montessori philosophy and practice: Birth to three: A superior environment. Retrieved from http://www.michaelolaf.net/1JCPE.html.

Do you use a floor bed? How do your honor your parenting philosophies at night?

Your Childhood= Your Child's Childhood?

Welcome to February edition of the Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival, hosted by Authentic Parenting and Mudpiemama. This month, participants have looked into the topic of “Fostering Healthy Attachment”. Please scroll down to the end of this post to find a list of links to the entries of the other participants. Enjoy!

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    "The most natural thing we do is raise our children the way we were raised," explain the founds of API in Attached at the Heart: 8 Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children.  This book and many others that encourage fostering secure attachment with children often discuss the fact that we, as parents, must analyze how we were parented in order to uncover those practices we wish to repeat and those we wish to end.  For this Science Friday post, I explored some of the original studies that led to this advice in order to find out, "How likely are we to have the same attachment relationship with our children as we had/have with our parents?"

(Hopefully!) A securely-attached baby

    First of all, let's look at how these studies were conducted.  Nearly all use the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) as the basis for their research. Developed in the 1980s by Mary Main and her fellow researchers, this interview is a more recent part of the ever-growing field of attachment theory based upon Ainsworth's and Bowlby's original studies on attachment. (For a review- check out this post.)  The AAI asks the interviewee to about his relationship with his parents and for specific memories to support this description.  The interviewee is also asked what about his childhood might have affected his current personality, especially any instances of death, and why his caregivers may have acted they way they did.

     Based upon these interviews, Main and others have uncovered three primary classifications:

1. Secure-autonomous. Those happy with their childhood experiences who open share their stories.
2. Insecure-dismissing. These people act as though their early experiences are not important and do not affect their current way of life.  Their rejection of their memories, however, tends to correspond to a rejection of their infants' need to be close to them.
3. Insecure-pre-occupied. These people are still dealing with issues from their childhood.  They are still trying to win their parents love or approval.  Because they are focused on their own needs, it can be difficult for them to respond to the need of their children.

    After researchers uncovered these classifications, they quickly got to work conducting the Strange Situation with these same interviewees to see if their previous childhood experiences (which some researchers refer to as "representation of attachment") affected their current attachment pattern with their children.  And, the results were a very clear: yes! 

    In the study that I found most interesting (and that I studied during my pregnancy), the AAI was conducted on 100 volunteers over the age of 20 during their last trimester of pregnancy.Volunteers spanned social and racial lines and varied in relationship status to their baby's father. Using these results, the women were classified using one of the above classifications. When their babies were 12 months old, the Strange Situation was conducted.  The correlations between the "maternal representations of attachment" and their baby's attachment pattern were very predictable.  Seventy-five percent of secure-autonomous mothers had securely attached infants, while 73% of dismissing or per-occupied mothers had insecurely attached infants.  Of the 24% of secure-autonomous mothers (14 total mothers in the sample) who had insecurely attached infants, two mothers had experienced the death of a loved one, considered a highly traumatic event, within the infant's first year of life.  It can be assumed that the mothers had not yet been able to handle the emotions associated with these events, giving them feelings similar to those experienced by the insecure-preoccupied classification.

    So, how can you work to be a secure base for your child, no matter your upbringing?  I am certainly not a therapist or psychologist, but I believe that nearly everyone has the ability to foster secure-attachment in their children. First of all, know that you are not alone.  A 2008 study revealed that only 65% of children in the US are considered securely attached.  Given what we now know about the "inter-generational transmission of attachment," this will likely be a difficult statistic to improve.  But, it can be done. Research indicates that is it necessary to acknowledge your early experiences and accept that they have shaped you and will shape how you parent.  If you are really interested and need a place to start, a simple google search will bring up an AAI and even a scoring guide.  Independent reflection through journaling or discussion with your spouse or a friend can also help. Some individuals require the support of therapists or doctors to fully accept and move beyond painful memories in their pasts.  A number of books are available on this topic and can provide more information: Creating the Capacity for Attachment and Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body, and Brain are two starters.  Additionally, support groups and blogs abound on the topic.

   While it may be natural to raise children how we were raised, if you decide that how you were raised does not support your parenting goals, it is possible to break the cycle of "inter-generational transmission of attachment." 

Sources:

 Cassidy, J. & Shaver, P.R. (Eds.). (2008).  Handbook of attachment, second edition. NY: Guilford Press.

Crain, W. (2011). Theories of development: Concepts and applications. NY: Prentice Hall.

Nicholson, B. & Parker, L. (2009). Attached at the heart: 8 proven parenting principles for raising connected and compassionate children.  Bloomington, IN: iUniverse.

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Visit Authentic Parenting and Mudpiemama to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• "Keep Them Close and Let Them Go: Fostering Healthy Attachment As They Grow" — Helen at Zen Mummy wonders how to maintain a healthy attachment as our children become more independent.
• "Honesty (With Your Children) is the Best Policy" — Mandy at Living Peacefully With Children shares how honesty with her children is helping to build an authentic relationship which will last through the teen years and beyond.
• "Fostering Healthy Attachment?" — Momma Jorje discusses how she is building a foundation of attachment with her children and how she hopes it serves them in their lives as they grow into adults.
• Beyond Bookend Parenting — Marisa at Deliberate Parenting describes their efforts to maintain their toddler's attachment to her working parent through play and routines throughout the day.
• Have You "Huggled" Today? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how "huggles" work like magic in her home.
• Your Childhood=Your Child's Childhood? — Amy at A Secure Base examines the research about how our attachment experience can shape our attachment with our children.
• List-Making Activities to Celebrate Family Connections — Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares some family list-making activities that will help you reflect on what you love about your family and can spark ideas for future family fun.
• How To Keep in Touch With Distant Grandparents — Lauren at Hobo Mama offers several tips to foster connection with relatives who live far away.
• Beyond Bonding: The Power of Positioning in Babywearing — Steffany, a babywearing educator, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, explains how optimal positioning in quality carriers can help babies' physical growth, brain development, and overall attachment.
• Playing Follow the Leader — Zoie at TouchstoneZ has learned that the more she meets her children where they are rather than where she would like them to be, the greater the elasticity of their bonds are.
• The Evolution of Attachment: Parenting Without a Roadmap — Sheila at A Living Family reflects on her family's recent generation of mothers and shares how she is working to make an evolutionary leap towards forming healthy attachment.
• Facilitating Sibling Connection — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a set of pointers on how to facilitate sibling bonding.
• The Farm in my Bed — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses fostering children's healthy attachment to "lovies" and comfort objects..
• My Early Morning Shadow Valerie at Momma in Progress shares a few ways she maintains a strong connection with her almost six-year-old daughter.

Apologizing for Your Child?

Disclaimer: Right now, I only have a little (but growing) almost-10-month old. I do not have to juggle the different needs, different wants, different schedules, and different temperaments of multiple children. Thus, I know that this post may seem idealistic to some.  However, a marathon runner didn't successfully run his first marathon on day one. He likely started with an idea and a slower, shorter jog down the block. With work and a on-going focus on his original idea, he completed his marathon.  Likewise, if I do ultimately juggle the challenges of multiple children (or at least one older child), I will, hopefully, return to this post to keep me focused on my original ideals.  

Who me??

   A few days ago Q-ball and I attended a natural parenting group meeting. I like to attend these meetings to meet with other parents, and I like to give Q-ball the opprotunity to meet with other people- both big and little. During our time in public, I work to maintain the same parenting practices I use at home- namely, Q-ball is basically free to explore. It should be noted that when we go on many errands, grocery shopping for instance, Q-ball is secure in her Ergo, but if she reaches for an item or looks with interest, I take the time to stop and let her look or feel. So, she's not having a free-for-all on the grocery store.  However, in settings where we are going to be in one place for a while, I let go, and, largely leave her be.  

    So it is at the natural parenting meetings and other group events. As long as her explorations will not cause her harm or damage property, I just watch.  Within seconds of being put down at this particular meeting, she was pulling up on other grown-ups legs, pin-balling around the room, and finally settling and spinning circles in the middle of the chairs circled for the meeting.  A little while into the meeting, Q-ball crawls full-speed ahead to another younger baby, eager to play. After a few minutes of smiling at one another, Q-ball reaches to take the other baby's toy, and after a few seconds of tug-a-war, the inevitable happens.  The playmate falls. Hard. The sound of her little head hitting the tile echoed around the room.  And then, she was screaming. And screaming. Loudly.  Q-ball was happily playing with her new toy. In fact, she turned to me and smiled at her triumph. I imagine that most of the other attendees were also watching me at this point. So, I decided I should probably remove her from the situation, so the other Mommy could comfort her little one.  But, alas, the question: Should I apologize for Q-ball???

   Given that Q-ball is pre-verbal, she obviously cannot issue her own apology (although, given her reaction, I don't think she was looking for the words...). My husband and I have avoided apologizing for her, and, when she is verbal, we want to avoid forcing meaningless apologies.  Why?

1. If the behavior is age-appropriate, we do not believe that there is a reason to apologize. If we are riding on a 5-hour long airplane, it is likely that a baby will be fussy at some point. A toddler will likely kick the back of chairs and run up the aisles. It might not be culturally accepted, but this is normal, age-appropriate behavior. Afterall, I'm not sorry that I have Q-ball. While it can be trying to be a parent (especially on a 5-hour plane ride), I'm a very blessed Mama.
2. If the behavior is a reflection of her personality, we do not believe that there is a reason to apologize.  If someone new is desperately trying to say hello to Q-ball, but Q-ball just turns her head into my chest, I try not to respond, "I'm sorry- she's shy!"  Very soon, Q-ball will be able to understand my words, and I do not want them to (1) encourage to her self-fulfill whatever role I've assigned her and (2) misinterpret the label as a negative judgement. 
3. If the child sees the apology as false, we are not encouraging actual empathy and remorse. Instead, we are simply seen as liars.  This is more important once Q-ball becomes verbal.  We ultimately do not want to force her to issue false or canned apologies.  We only want to her apologize if she means it, with the hope that she will develop a true ability to empathize and see the effects of her actions.  

    So, what did I do? I was literally in the middle of a circle of watching parents. First, I wanted to make sure that the hurt child was okay. Her mother was soothing her, so nothing was required of me.  To avoid further disruption of the meeting at this point, I took Q-ball out of the circle to play on her own (leaving the prized toy behind). No words to the mother at this point.  But, the baby was still screaming, and soon the mother carried her out.

    It's really tough to stand by your beliefs when they are not necessarily culturally accepted, not to mention embarrassing. And, frankly, I did feel bad. I realized that I was sorry that the baby was hurt.  So, after the meeting, I approached the other mother and said, "I'm so sorry that your daughter bumped her head. How is she doing now?" I was expressing how I actually felt and certainly not violating any of the behaviors I listed above.  I was comfortable with my ultimate reaction, and I hope that it will model actual empathy and sincere apologies for Q-ball in the future.  

    And, if you ever are my seatmate on a 5-hour plane ride, know that I'm sorry that you might not be able to get any rest, but I'm not sorry for Q-ball being Q-ball. 

Do you apologize for your child? How would you have handled this situation?

Tips for Travelling

I did get a new haircut for our new city!

Well, we are finally pretty much back to normal- new house, 90% unpacked, and we even now have Internet!  It was quite difficult to keep the blog updated without access to the Internet...

         Over the past 2 weeks, Q-ball and I have traveled over several states, slept in five different beds, lived out of suitcases, and without regular access to a kitchen and washer and dryer.  Should you suffer the same fate with an infant, here are the top ten ways that I survived...

1.       Parenting on demand- Crossing time zones, day-lights savings time, and major shake-ups to a normal schedule obviously affected Q-ball's sleeping, eating, playing, moods, etc.  We had to be extra cognizant of her needs and wants to prevent meltdowns (hers and ours, obviously...)

2.       Breastfeeding- Can't get much more convenient. Nothing extra to pack or carry.

3. Babywearing-

a.        I thought this was essential to get through the airport.  My hands were free for check-ins and security, Q-ball was happy, and I wasn't banging around a heavy carseat while running past crowds.  

b.       Also, this became totally necessary as days when naps just weren't going to happen under a roof (movers coming and going, maids in the hallways, another new place.)  Some days the only way she would sleep was for me to go on a walk with her in the Ergo. It ended up being great for both of us as I got fresh air and exercise (needless to say, we weren't eating our healthiest.)

4.       Hand-washing station/cloth wipes- Q-ball was crawling all over the hotel room. After just a few minutes of being on the floor her feet, legs, and hands were be black.  It was gross, but there was little we could do except wash her.  In addition to her normal baths, I would wipe her down with cloth wipes and a pre-made solution of 2 parts water and 1 part baby soap (I keep it in a water bottle with a leak-proof valve top) several times a day. 

5.       Plan your diapering system.  I already discussed this in a previous post.  If you use cloth have a detailed plan for washing. 

6.       Pack a nightlight.  The rooms are new to you and baby- not friendly for moving around at night with the lights off.

7.       Work with the hotel staff.  We often requested room service at specific times to try to accommodate Q-ball’s anticipated naps.  It didn’t always work, but at least we tried.  This was also necessary because we were travelling with our darling cats who needed to be caged for housekeeping.

8.       Baby-led solids.  I didn’t worry about packing or buying any special solid foods for Q-ball for this trip.  Frankly, I didn’t put much emphasis into her eating solids at all during this trip, but with BLS she ate some toast and bananas from the hotel breakfast bar and some pieces of fruit at lunches.

9.       Pack an extra-duty  garbage bag to cover the car seat when it is checked on the plane.  I did this previously, but didn’t this time and ended up with a big spot on the car seat.  (Which I subsequently have not been able to wash without a washer and dryer…)

10.    Pack outlet plugs.  Again, we didn’t do this.  But, it would have been great to have in the rooms we were visiting as the outlets were the first places Q-ball headed for. 

Parenting Conference

When Q-ball turned six-months old, my husband and I held our first official parenting conference to figure out what kind of parents we wanted to be.  We had discussed this before Q-ball was born, of course.  But, as first time parents, I must admit that we had more conversations about what to buy and about labor and delivery.  At the six-month mark, Q-ball was sitting up, rolling all over the place, reaching for everything, and crawling was surely just around the corner (and has since happened!) Also, my idealistic thoughts of being a SAHM (peaceful coffee and newspaper in the mornings, yoga in the afternoons, lots of time after baby goes to sleep at night…) have been banished, so I felt we could analyze where we wanted to go from a more realistic perspective.

Here was our topic: Based upon a discussion of our beliefs and objectives towards parenting, how did we want to raise our children? 

I thought that it would be super easy to find resources for such an event on the Internet.  I was surprised to find, however, that there was pretty much nothing.  Our conference was based upon internal assessments of our personal attitudes, but most of what I found did not necessarily encourage personal reflection.  These sites seem to be grouped into three categories:

1.          Organizations or groups that propose a certain parenting style - These sites are very informative and offer great resources and a sense of community, but they were not what I was looking for because they assume you have already decided what parenting style you want.

2.          Sites that resolve conflicts between parents who have different parenting styles - Here, it appears that parents did not have a “parenting conference,” which is unfortunate for the children, because they were likely receiving mixed signals, and for the parents, because major conflicts appeared to have erupted.

3.          Quizzes based upon actual daily scenarios that allow you to determine your parenting style based upon your answers - Again, it appears that the quiz taker did not necessarily have a plan in place going into events and is now trying to figure out their style. 

So, to help others who might be interested in holding their own parenting conferences, here is what we did.  We thought it worked quite nicely and would recommend it others.

1.          Make ice cream sundaes. (Beer or wine would also suffice.)

2.          As a couple, answer the following questions:

a.            How were we disciplined growing up?  This question helps uncover any bias and/or background experience.

b.            How do we envision our home?  What does a typical day look like?  What does family time look like? 

c.            How do we find “balance”?  (Or, how will we stay sane?)

d.            What are our goals in raising our children?  How can we accomplish these?

e.            What is the role of a parent?

f.             How do we believe a child should- be fed? Sleep? Play? Take part in day-to-day activities?

g.            How do we want to respond to our children’s- fears? Tantrums? Successes? Happiness?

h.            How do we want to communicate with our children?

i.              Are boundaries necessary?  If so, how will we set them?

j.              What is the goal of discipline? 

k.            How do we envision discipline?

l.              How will we make decisions? Resolve differences between us?

3.          Repeat conference regularly, noting that as parents and children grow, opinions change.

Our answers helped us determine that attachment parenting with a touch of Montessori’s educational philosophy best match our beliefs. Because of our parenting conference, we think hope we are better able to learn from these communities and the resources they offer, but, ultimately uphold our beliefs and help our child flourish. 

Do you think it’s important to determine a parenting style?  How did you determine yours? Has it changed over time?